Yesterday, I decided to be a Domestic Goddess and tackle all of the household chores that had fallen a bit behind because some of the people who normally work for us on these kinds of activities had gotten a bit sick. Also, Jamie and I forgot that we needed to actually order our food and so that necessitated me going to Coles and attacking the aisles in person.
In and of itself, I could have managed that. I’m not that much of a diva.
It was what happened after that which is having an impact on my Monday. Well, that’s part of what’s hurting me today… I’ll get into it.
For some reason, while I was shopping, I got the idea to grab a big bottle of vodka and once the housework was out of the way, I was going to get myself trashed.
I very, very rarely drink to excess. Not even once a year.
But for some reason, I felt the need to get blind drunk yesterday.
Once the girls were asleep, I hit the vodka tonics pretty hard. I even drank while I was in the hot bath with a vibrator. I was like Patsy from Ab Fab.
I rolled naked into bed, with a fresh drink of course, and played around on the internet before deciding that my husband, who was quietly reading a book, would have to tolerate me masturbating by hand until I fell asleep.
Needless to say, by this point in the evening, I was pretty much wrecked.
In my drunken wisdom, I decided that I’d grope him and see if he could “perform” for me. I may have even said to him, “I need you to perform for me tonight.”
From what I can remember, he handled my hands down his shorts and drunken advances with good humor. Finally, I demanded that he help me out and the last thing I remember is ordering him to put his fingers inside of me while I flicked my bean.
I had an orgasm and passed out.
I woke up this morning in rough shape, but he had gotten up early to get the girls ready and help me out. As he came in to tell me that I needed to get my ass in gear so I could drop the girls at school, he looked at me and laughed, “Rough night?”
In the shower, I literally washed my tongue. It felt like it was wearing a cashmere sweater it was so furry.
To be honest, I felt a bit hung over, but in a good way. It was like the mornings after in university when you’d gotten drunk with your friends, danced around, and then woke up in your boyfriend’s bed feeling a bit worse for wear, but also that you were properly sexed up.
I made myself a Nespresso travel mug for the car, dropped the girls off at school and headed into the office.
My morning was thankfully light and I spent a fair chunk of it eating a MASSIVE cooked breakfast. Fried everything - bacon, eggs, sausages, tomato, beans, mushrooms, and honestly, if I could have convinced them to deep fry some toast, I would have been down for that as well.
While I was eating, I read an article on Medium by a presumably male heterosexual author talking about how to make semen taste better.
For some reason, I found that amusing and I let Twitter know my feelings. If you’re on Twitter and you want to follow me, you can do so here.
I’ve had more than my fair share of men’s cum splash across my taste buds, and while I’m no “semen sommeliere”, I think I know a little bit more about this topic than a heterosexual guy.
I wasn’t diminishing his thoughts, I just found this notion that women wanted semen to taste better was comical. I mean, in an abstract sense, sure, but when we’re in the act of fellatio and we’re looking for our male partner to finish, we’re not sitting there thinking, “Oh boy, I hope this tastes like cotton candy!”
And as I sat in the cafe smiling, I started thinking, “Hmmm… I wouldn’t mind having a man cum in my mouth today.”
Then I found myself thumbing through my contacts thinking about each of the men in there and whether they would be available on short notice to help me out.
I reached out to three or four different candidates. I was looking for a specific type - average length, slightly above average girth but not obnoxiously large. I also needed a guy who’d finish quickly because I’m not in the mood for anything more involved.
Ultimately, I’ve come up empty so far.
I can’t wait for this day to be over.
PS - Just as I finished reading this over and before hitting “Publish” on Substack, I got a text message from one of the guys I sent a request out to and he’s had a cancellation in his schedule this afternoon, so maybe Monday will turn out to be a Fun Day after all.