Getting Out Of My Own Head

This week I spent a long time trapped inside my own head

Last Sunday night, I wrote a post talking about the horrible hangover that I was nursing, my sick daughter, and ultimately, me getting horny and unsuccessfully trying to get my husband erect so that I could use him sexually.

Now, for those of you who follow me, you probably know that my husband, Jamie, is impotent since his injury. Technically, he’s considered “functionally impotent” in that there doesn’t appear to be anything technically or physically wrong, but he really can’t get and maintain erections.

Well, again, more clarification… Over the last nearly four years since he’s been home after his accident, we’ve managed to have sex three times where he’s held onto his erection long enough.

A couple of weeks ago, he got a semi and I was able to make him orgasm orally, which was the first time he was able to maintain a semi and cum.

On Sunday, as I stepped out of the shower, Jamie commented about how “sexy” I was as I stood there naked wet from the shower. Again, that was unusual for him at the best of times, but since he’s been unable to perform, he’s steered clear of that kind of sexually tinged compliment or comment.

Monday morning, I woke up to the bed moving and found Jamie laying next to me masturbating. I’ve never seen him jerk off in the 15 years we’ve been together. After a quick chat, I excited climbed on top of him and we had sex.

The whole experience was nice, but it caused some conversation between Jamie and me because my performance had obviously not gone unnoticed. That got me to thinking what the future held if his erectile dysfunction improved - I wrote about it here if you want to read about the entire situation.

The entire week, I kind of stewed on the situation and in something that’s really unusual for me, I got totally lost inside my own head.

I was running “what if” scenarios, having “mock conversations” with Jamie, and basically flip-flopping between what my future might look like and how I wanted that to play out.

Then on Wednesday, I got a text from Paul.

Paul is the guy that I see every third Friday, “Hey Beth, does 12:30pm work on Friday?”

God, yes! I hadn’t remembered Paul and I were due to catch up this week and after the mental gymnastics that I’d been doing, I needed something to look forward to as a distraction.

I left the office today so early to go check into the hotel. Normally, I would have walked over at 12ish and been checked-in and in the room by 12:20pm, but today, I left at 11am and spent a good half an hour just walking around Sydney CBD trying to clear my head and get some fresh air.

I still got there early, but I checked in and took a second passkey. I left the second key with the Concierge under Paul’s name and I texted him to let him know that I was going to strip down, have a shower, and he could grab the pass from the Concierge.

The shower felt amazing and without even realizing, I had my head tilted back, hair soaking wet and my makeup completely washed off. I’d lost track of what I was doing and there was no time to dry my hair or re-apply makeup.

I dried off and made my way to the bed to slide between the sheets.

About ten minutes later, I heard the security bolt on the door let go and Paul walked in, “Wow, you weren’t kidding, you’re ready to go.”

“You’re getting the fully natural version today, no makeup. My brain has been somewhere else all week and I got carried away with the shower.”

He smiled, “You’re so pretty that you don’t need makeup.”

He got undressed and we chatted a bit.

He slid himself in bed and we talked some more.

Paul and I never really talked much. We knew what our relationship was and I think we were both happy with the consistency and familiarity of our routine.

But today, we chatted for like 15 minutes which was nice, I needed that.

Then for the next two hours, he gave me an absolutely proper seeing to which I needed even more. I think he knew I needed to be distracted today and he went above and beyond.

Let me just say, Paul’s performance is always in the 7 or 8 out of 10 range - he’s consistently very good, but today he was up in the 8.5 territory.

By the time 2:45pm rolled around, I was utterly shattered physically and I can only imagine he had to be spent and probably dehydrated. He had a quick shower and I laid there relaxing, trying to stop my head from swimming.

I really needed that.

After Paul left, I got up, had another shower, washed my hair, re-applied my face, and got out the blow dryer to make my hair presentable.

I got back to the office at around 4pm and decided to “self-isolate” for the weekend, so I left and came home early. My mom had picked up the girls and taken them to her place after school, so I drove there and we had a cup of tea.

“You look exhausted, Betty. Long day?”

I smiled while eating a Tim Tam, “I had my physio session for 2 hours and it wore me out.”

My mother knew what that meant and she chuckled and shook her head, “That must have been quite the workout.”

We giggled and I told her it had been a rough week mentally.

“Let’s have lunch tomorrow and I’ll fill you in, I just need to get home, put on some shorts and a t-shirt, and chill out.”

She waved me away and told me to go home, “I’ll make the girls dinner and they can stay here tonight. You go home and relax. Get Jamie to pick them up in the morning for swimming, and we’ll go have brunch over in Crows Nest.”

She didn’t have to ask me twice.

I came home and spent nearly two hours floating in the pool.

Jamie is out at some work function this evening, so I’m going to smash some pizza (Giovanni’s in Cammeray for anyone on the Lower North Shore of Sydney… YUM! Tell them Elizabeth from Mosman sent you!) and watch “Working Moms” on Netflix.

But first, I thought I’d say hello to you fine people and hope your week was top shelf.

I’m sure I’ll post something over the weekend, so we’ll talk soon!