I’m a person that has a very limited supply of empathy and sympathy.
It has been something that I’ve been aware of since I was teenager. My friends would have boyfriends and some tragedy would befall their relationships and I’d be happy to listen for fifteen or twenty minutes, but beyond that, I wasn’t interested in detailed scenario planning about whatever fictional outcomes they thought might happen.
“But what if he finds out that she kissed Billy and let him touch her boobs? Maybe he’ll want to be with her so he can touch her boobs. I should have let him touch my boobs last weekend, but I found it ticklish. Is there something wrong with me?”
That kind of shit drove me nuts.
It has carried over into my career and I’ve had to make more of an effort the last few years as I’ve taken on managing people. To be a good manager in a modern office you need to have a bucket load of empathy and be part guidance counselor.
At our firm, we do twice yearly performance updates with all Junior Associates with less than three years experience. It’s a good system because it ensures that they have expectations formally set and they get regular feedback so that they can make adjustments.
One thing about lawyers in a modern context, most of them now come from families with helicopter parents because getting into law school in Australia is hard. These kids often lack some social skills and aren’t used to any real form of criticism because they’ve always been such high achievers.
But being a practicing legal professional and a good student are not the same thing. Truth be told, they are vastly different beasts. I struggled with this myself.
This morning, I had a session with a Junior Associate in my team who is also named “Beth”. She’s been with us for just over a year and I was the one who hired her. She interviewed well and she came from regional Australia, so she had a very relaxed feel about her that I thought clients would enjoy.
When I hired her, she said, “We’re both named Beth, so you can be B1 and I’ll be B2.”
I found her joke funny, but squashed that shit right away, I’m not a Banana in Pajamas character, and in law firms, hierarchy matters, so if I was B1, she would have to be B19.
Anyway, her first performance appraisal six months ago went really well, but since coming back from Christmas break, her performance has been terrible. She’s been late a lot and her work just seems slapdash.
In our meeting, Jessie, our head of HR, started telling her what was expected of junior associates, and you could see Beth had no idea where this was going.
I interrupted, “Beth, your performance over the last few months has been graded as sub-optimal. We’ll review you again in three months to see how you’re performing, but if haven’t improved, then we’ll put you on a performance management plan, and if your performance doesn’t improve, then we will look at your position.”
This young lady just blinked at me. She heard what I said, but it didn’t seem to register with her. She’d obviously excelled at everything she’s ever put her mind to in life and maybe for the first time ever, she’d just been told she wasn’t meeting expectations.
Jessie asked her, “Is there anything we can help you with or that you want to tell us that’s hampering your performance?”
Young Beth looked at her hands, “My home life is a bit messed up right now.”
I knew that she lived with her sister that was a year older and who worked for a competing firm.
I hate this part of the job, I have enough going on in my life that I don’t need to know that my staff have a sick cat or that their roommate hates the idea of Taco Tuesday.
Jessie then reached out across the table, put her hand on top of Young Beth’s hand and said, “Do you need to talk about it?”
I wanted to punch Jessie right in the mouth. Not a little bit, not like a slap. I wanted to close my fist, haul back and drive my fist square into her jaw. Why would you invite this craziness out into the open? I don’t care if Young Beth’s sister smokes too much weed or uses her lady razors without changing the cartridges!
But Jessie opened the Gates of Hell, and rather than a mere demon walking through, Satan himself walked out, took up a prominent position in one of our stylish office chairs, asked for a Piccolo latte, and unloaded his laundry list of evil onto us.
Young Beth looked up at Jessie and then at me… Then it began.
“I came home from our Christmas Party and told my boyfriend to meet me at my place for a sleepover. When I walked in, he wasn’t there, so I walked into my sister’s room to see if he’d been by yet, and the room smelled of weed and they were in bed together having sex. They had music on and didn’t hear me, so they didn’t even stop when I walked in.”
Nice. Thanks Jessie. At least I got the weed part right in my mind.
Jessie, who seemingly had more empathy than Oprah, squeezed Young Beth’s hand and said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. How can Beth and I help you?”
Yeah, no. B1 wasn’t interested in getting involved in a love triangle between sisters and a dime bag of weed. Not part of my job description. I was pissed off that Jessie wasn’t asking her to do a drug test, but that’s because I’m a stickler for people adhering to contracts that they signed being a contracts lawyer and all.
Young Beth smiled and wiped a single tear away from the corner of her eye, “My sister is pregnant and it’s his. He and I have broken up, so she’s deciding whether to keep the baby or not. She told me if they decide to keep the baby, that I’ll have to move out so that he can move in and they can turn my room into a nursery.”
I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
I decided to dive in before Jessie wanted us to start singing or group hug, “Ok, Beth. This has obviously been a very challenging and traumatic time for you. We’re going to mark this performance appraisal as an “exceptional circumstance” situation and it kind of gives you a pass. We have a company of mental health professionals that’s free for you to use for 20 hours a year if you want to talk to someone. It is entirely confidential and nothing ever comes back to us besides the invoice.”
Jessie seemed to want to keep going, but Young Beth was nodding and thanking me for understanding, so I took the opportunity to end this debacle.
“Ok, let’s wrap it up now. Cancel the rest of your appointments for this morning on my authorization, put that in your timesheet, and go clear your head for a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat or a coffee. Check in with me this afternoon to let me know you’re fine.”
With that I stood up and excused myself.
Jessie and I had one more review this morning, another junior associate who was rated “sub-optimal” for this period. When Jessie asked if there was any reason for his dip in performance, he looked embarrassed, “I’ve spent too much time at night with my mates playing Fortnite and my sleep has suffered a bit. I realized it about two weeks ago and I’m working on playing less.”
I gave him the same “we have mental health professionals available “ speech and sent him on his way.
So one young woman’s sister was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby and a young guy was playing video games too late.
I’m going to book an hour out, this afternoon and go myself get a massage with a happy ending from this little Asian lady who knows exactly how to rub my scalp and flick my bean.
OMG - This is brilliant on so many levels.
Beth - some elements of this suggest you are suffering from Stockholm syndrome after being held captive by the HR police for too long. I do not think there should be an exceptional amount of empathy expected of someone who has manage people in a Law office.
Firm but fair is best I believe. In the middle of a long day at the office, warm and fuzzy can/will go MIA. That should not be the subject of an HR investigation. The Workplace is where work gets done. A serious profession like Law is not a flop house for well paid snow flakes who view output as secondary to what happens in their lives or after work.
The self-esteem industry has a lot to answer for. Over the last 15 years the "so called" "war for talent" in Law/Banking/Investment Banking/Accounting has seen a lot of precious petals bred and then hired. They can be shockingly difficult to make aware that their work is not Nobel prize standard, and then to move on when they turn out to be bad eggs, or don't work out.
HR departments are culpable in this. They seem so intimidated by wrongful dismissal claims that they almost always take the side of the junior employee against the manager. This might have happened to you this morning.
Don't get me started on flakey complaints about inappropriate behavior by junior females. I took a junior staffer interstate and overseas on a few roadshows/business trips some time ago. More than once she wore the most revealing blouse possible to dinner with clients, such that they ribbed me for months after about whether that was part of a plan to win the business. However when we got back after one trip, she reported me to HR because I said to her in an off hand manner after said dinner - "you used to live in this town, do you want to show me the dive pubs you used to hang out in at Uni". Watch out for that one.
When in Banking I moved on one guy who couldn't do the job, became disruptive when I wouldn't put him in an origination role, had faked his resume and after all that HR ended up paying him 3 months extra as compensation, out of my profit centre, when he made a complaint for wrongful dismissal. He should have been prosecuted for resume fraud.
Another guy I moved on for similar reasons. Probable fake resume, wasn't up to it, using corporate card for personal expenses and so on. He made a complaint and I was investigated when he should have been prosecuted for stealing and looked at for resume fraud.
I have a ex-Plumber mate who sold his business and went into Retail Banking because he got burned out by having to deal with the personal problems of his staff - 19 in all.
The truth is Beth, with this HR shit you can't win. Be grateful for what you have become. I can't imagine a more attractive or together woman. Being a Partner is a Law Firm at 38/39 would be enough for most people. There is much more to you as well.
I hope the associates heed their call to action. Life catches up with the duds after a while. The 2 guys I moved on never worked again in Banking/Investment Banking. It will be the same with B19 and the gamer if they don't get it together.
I hope the asian lady gave you a massive orgasm or two. I love that you get happy ending massages from another woman. My LMT is no prude, but she and most I know would sooner die than touch another woman intimately. BTW - do females have to tip for a Happy Ending from a masseuse, or is it just us guys?
Gotta go - I have an HR review in 11 days and I need to prepare my appraisal of me.